I must have missed the memo.

Nobody told me it was No Underpants Wednesday. I would have joined in. Honest. All I know is that it’s nearly noon as I’m writing this and I’ve already seen more crack than Bobby Brown on a regular Saturday night.

I dropped my daughter off at preschool this morning and saw not one, but two moms showing off crack. They were completely bereft of any undergarments and completely oblivious to the fact that I could have slid a 3-ring binder into their ass-grooves. Then I stopped in at the White Hen Pantry only to have my eyes assaulted by a young lady.

Don’t get me wrong, I like asses. I’m not an out-and-out ass-guy, but I still appreciate them. That doesn’t mean I always want to see them. Especially when they’re squeezed into a pair of jeans at least 2 sizes too small and the crack is literally sprouting out of the top.

Seriously, your ass crack should not begin 3 inches below your scapula. It’s unnatural No one wants their ass to sag, a.k.a. “the lazy dog ass.” I get that. But ladies, giving yourselves an artificial butt lift is not the answer. All you’ve done is exposed the tops of your butt cheeks in all their doughy splendor. It’s not your proudest moment.

I guess the odd thing is that it was all female crack I saw. For all the laughs we have about plumbers and their butts, I saw a bunch of blue-collar guys today and not one of them showed me their ass crack.

So, stick that up your ass and smoke it.