Monday, January 28, 2008

All Apologies

Have you ever done something you thought was a good idea at the time, only to regret it later? Sure you have. We all have. Maybe you’ve taken a dump on someone’s car. Or “borrowed” your roommates shirt and stained it beyond all recognition with a substance not appropriate for mixed company. Or cut a fart in a crowded elevator right as you were getting off. Or peed in someone else’s bed while you were off on a Mormon mission. Or stole your neighbors cable AND ordered porno flicks. Or . . . Well, you get the picture. Please note, I’ve only done one of the aforementioned things.

If you were on the short end of any of these activities, wouldn’t you want someone to apologize? I know I would. That’s why I’m still waiting for an apology from ESPN after they’ve done the equivalent of all the above to me.

I used to watch SportsCenter religiously. Just about every night. Sometimes, a couple of times per night. But, I’ve basically stopped watching SportsCenter entirely simply because of one segment, the putrid“Who’s Now?” segment that appeared about nine months ago. It might possibly have be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen them do, and I’ve watched them do a lot of stupid things over the years.

I’m not a complete SportsCenter hater . . . yet. I used to love the show, but I got real sick real fast of the anchors thinking they’re more important than the story or the score (yes, I’m talking to you Mr. Berman and Mr. Scott). “Who’s Now?” is the segment that finally broke the Donkey’s back.

It was so bad it was almost laughable. And it went on for so long it was painful. I’d flip over for a second and, sure as shit, they’d be broadcasting this complete farce of a sports segment for about 10 minutes straight.

Really, did anyone care who’s “Now?” What does being “Now” really mean? Why do the filler segment at this time? I mean, it’s not like baseball wasn’t in full swing, the NBA signing period hadn’t just started, and NFL training camps were beginning in a week, or anything like that.

See, the thing about it was that it was so antithetical to the SportsCenter brand, that someone should have had the foresight to kill it before it saw the light of day. If you’re going to call yourself “The Worldwide Leader in Sports,” well, then you’d better stick to sports. That’s why people watch ESPN. For sports. Maybe they forgot that. After all, they’d only been doing it for a quarter century or so. It’s easy to forget about your identity over such a short period of time. Instead, they turned about 15 minutes of every show into some bizarre hybrid of local cable access sports and E!’s red carpet special.

I’m not saying I’ll never go back to watching a full episode again. I’m just saying it’s going to take a sincere apology. If they’d been thinking, they would have run a 30 second spot a couple of times during every episode that just said, “Sorry for being completely lobotomized over the last month. We’re not sure what came over us. The intern that came up with the crap fest ‘Who’s Now?’ has been beaten like a piƱata and then wedgied. Atomically. We’d like to say we’ll never pull a bonehead stunt like this again, but Sweeps Week will be here before we know it and we’ll probably have the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders in here doing their own version of the Vagina Monologues. We’re that slutty for good ratings. And, since we’ve already bought the ad space, we’re apologizing for that stunt in advance as well. Thanks for watching.”

They would have had me at “Vagina Monologues.”

Sunday, January 27, 2008

An Open-Faced Lie

You know what's total bullshit? An open-faced sandwich, that's what. Why on earth would anyone order an open-faced sandwich? It's not even a sandwich. Look it up in the dictionary and you'll find that a sandwich is defined thusly: "Any combination of kick-ass ingredients crammed between two slices of bread into one delectable concoction of awesomeness. Not to be confused with its pile of crap, illegitimate, mongoloid step-brother, the ‘open-faced sandwich.’” At least, that’s what it would say in the Donkey Dictionary.

Seriously, who would want an open-faced sandwich? There’s no manly way to eat it. You have to pick it up by its dainty little sides and nibble at it. Screw that. I want a sandwich I can grab in my fists and cram in my mouth. Shoot, even those little tea sandwiches are more manly than the open-faced turd fest. I don’t care if it’s watercress and cream cheese in between some slices of melba toast, at least that sandwich is trying. I’ll give it an “A” for effort. Not like that lazy-ass open-faced sandwich. What a fucking underachiever. If someone brought me an open-faced sandwich, I’d send it back and tell that person I didn’t order a half-assed attempt at a sandwich. Finish what you started and put a lid on that sandwich. The Donkey has spoken.

Don’t let those open-faced sandwich serving Communists convince you differently. They’ll tell you that it’s much prettier to look at and you eat with your eyes first. Yeah, you may eat with your eyes first, if you don’t understand the concept of eating in the first place. Let me recap for those of you who are eating challenged. Eating with your mouth is good, I recommend it to all my friends. Eating with your eyes is a good way to put your eye out, I recommend it to all my enemies. If you try to tell me to eat with my eyes, I may very well punch you in yours.

What an open-faced loser. Oh, and that goes for you too, Mr. Tostada. Don’t even get me started on the tostada.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Cutting Edge Research

I heard the other day that recent studies have shown the acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve a razor blade. Think about that for a second. You could swallow a razor blade, wait 18-24 hours and have it come out with no harm, no foul. So, the question I instinctively ask myself is whether or not I should be shaving with corn kernels because stomach acid is obviously not strong enough to dissolve those.

Friday, January 25, 2008

New Year, Same Donkey

Well, one of my resolutions for last year was to blog more. I figured I'd better catch up on those resolutions before starting any new ones. So, I'm treating this blog like it's fiber. I might not want it sometimes, but it helps me get all the crap out before I get too uncomfortable.

Besides, I was looking through my "blog ideas" archives and realized that I have like 30-something posts in different phases of completion. I figure I can whip some of those out over the next few days. As usual, there will be good, there will be bad, and there will be blood. Oh yes, there will be.