Thursday, August 17, 2006

Do you pick your nose?


Of course you do. Everyone does. Don’t worry, I won’t tell on you. I’m cool with the fact that you do a little digging from time to time. The only time it bothers me is when I have to look at the aftermath.

See, we’ve got this dude at work, Pickasso. For some reason, he seems to think his mucus is an art form that should be displayed on the walls. Ok, maybe not the walls, but he’s putting them on the door to the stalls in the men’s room and that’s just a little too visible for me. I don’t bring reading material into the stall. I like to sit down, get started, and get out as soon as I can. So, whenever I sit down, I’m looking at his green gobs trailing down the front door.


It’s not so much nasty as it is unnecessary. The boogers have to go somewhere, true. But why there? The other day I brought a ruler into the men’s room with me. Sure, I got some weird stares, but it was for science, I explained to everyone. According to my measurements, the front door to the stall is approximately 31” away from the front of the bowl. That means you have to lean forward to touch the door. By the same token, the roll of TP is approximately 18” from the side of the bowl. Heck, you almost bump up against it when you sit. Are your boogers really so worth seeing that you’re willing to reach another foot out in front of you to display them?

I think not.

I could understand the door being the display area if he were flicking them, but he isn’t. He’s definitely wiping them. If watching CSI has taught me anything (besides how to NOT get away with murdering crack whores), it’s taught me to observe splattering with semi-solid objects. A booger that was flicked would tend to be more solid at the top than at the bottom as the booger would most likely fly from low-to-high and continue climbing up the wall after impact and leaving a slug-trail in its wake. Why do I think that? Because boogers are sticky. In order to get one to release from your finger, you have to flick it pretty hard. You want to error on the side of caution and flick harder than necessary. 31” isn’t far enough that the booger will reach the apex of its parabola and begin its descent towards the floor. No, dear readers, these boogers are not being flicked. These boogers are definitely being wiped as Pickasso is making contact with the wall and dragging his finger down. That sneaky bastard!

I have made it my life’s work to track down Pickasso and beat him senseless and then flick my boogers at him. If you have any suggestions as to how I could finger him, I’m all ears.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, the Old Girl made an uber-strong brew of coffee this morning and the brown beast is beginning to stir. It’s time to go look at more of Pickasso’s handiwork.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Jumpin’ Around the Blogspot

Let me tell you, I love that whole “Next Blog” link on most of these sites. I’m always looking around for new and interesting stuff to read, so occasionally I’ll click that bad boy up to ten times until I come across something awesome to read. Sounds easy, right?


I’m not saying this blog is good. With a little bit of effort on my part, it could be. But, I can say that the VERY infrequent postings I put up are better than about 99% of the stuff that’s up there. As a matter of fact, from my own random surfings, I’ve determined that the Blogspot universe breaks down into the following percentages:

32% - High school students posting shitty poetry and bitching about how much the rest of the world doesn’t get them.
23% - Blogs in a foreign language. They may kick ass, I don’t know. All I do know is that I can’t read them.
18% - People blogging about the situation in the Middle East. All of them different. All of them unreadable.
11% - Political blogs. Whether you’re left-wing or right-wing, your blogs bore the living shit out of me.
9% - Suburban moms and/or dads posting baby pictures. Like I care what your ugly kid looks like.
6% - Nothing but Google ads. Yeah, that shit’s going to make you some serious cash.
1% - Mildly-amusing stuff.

There are some good blogs out there, most notably my buddy Terry’s All You Need to Know (and as soon as I figure out how to hyper link, I’ll do that – in the meanwhile there’s a link on the side of the page). But if you’re not convinced that my numbers are accurate, here’s the blogs that come up by clicking the “Next Blog” button. Would you go back to any of them? I think not.

1. Rice Grains ( - Teaching physics? Lame-ass metaphors about life? Boy, I can’t wait to come back for second helpings.
2. Alphaville ( - Hey, “Forever Young” was a kick ass song back in the day. This blog doesn’t mention it. Well, it might, but it’s in another language. So who knows?
3. /C.A.R.O.L ( – Uh oh, Carol’s complicated. Of course she is, otherwise she wouldn’t create such a shitty blog. Let me make things uncomplicated for you, Carol. Nobody understands you because you have nothing original to say.
4. Jing & Meow Food Cart ( - I was just thinking to myself the other day, “Donkey, if you were in Singapore, where would you want to eat?” Why trust all the local food critics in all the Singaporean newspapers when you can trust a couple of chooches who put up a blog?
5. hi, welcome to migraine prevention medication’s blog ( - Hey, doctors can’t agree on the best way to prevent migraines, so I’m thrilled that someone has the courage to create an anonymous blog with Google ads linked to migraine medicines. Finally, the world is safe from migraine pain!
6. the moon ( - Ah yes, Google links to moon and astronomy stuff. And people used to be afraid that geeks and nerds would try to take over the internet.
7. forever no more. ( - Wow, that shit is deep. I mean, the irony of the title is just so, so, deep. But, I think the best part was that you put a period at the end. That was the icing on the fucking cupcake, wasn’t it? I was just wondering where I could go to find crappy poetry written by a girl who thinks the world doesn’t understand her. Who would have thought I could have found it on the internet? Thanks Rochelle!
8. Credit Card Instant Approval ( - Sign me up for some of this shit. Credit card offers from an unregulated web site. I’d love to pay the 21.99% introductory rate. That’s sweet. This is too good to be true!
9. Pinklysilverapple ( - Well, apparently national day is over and tomorrow is going to be teachers day. Whatever that means. Thanks for sharing. My life is much fuller because of it.
10. ( - Girlfriend, I just love your style. I mean the disjointed photos with no story to tell. Fascinating. Can you keep doing that every day, because I can’t get enough of it.
11. ;KissOfDeath. ( - Want to see 87 pictures of the same two Asian girls mugging for a camera? Wait, what if I told you there was a semi-literate diary to go along with them? Look no further!
12. ballet dance ( - Damn, I’m not sure if it’s the complete lack of content, or if it’s all the Google ads, but I fucking want to take up ballet now.
13. Uh, some word I can’t spell because I can’t type in Chinese characters ( - A Chinese soccer fan. Or, so I’m assuming from the picture in his first post. Note to self: take up Chinese so you can see if some of these blogs kick ass.
14. COOKIE THIEF! ( - According to this blog, the author is trying to keep it a secret. Why hide your genius?
15. maricelas space ( - Man, maricela is a wealth of info. I can find a Ford dealer; understand, access, and use the internet; and hoist fitness equipment all with the help of her links. Thanks maricela!!!!
16. TERAPIA DA IMAGEM ( - I don’t know much about Terapia, but I do know that picture is reminiscent of a young Erik Estrada.
17. The Blue Chair ( - All right, if I were as into music as this guy is, then I’d probably come back to his site. Wait a minute! He’s got an IMDB site. Holy shit, I’ve actually seen this movie on late night cable. It was either HBO or Showtime. This movie sucked hard, but at least now I know who wrote it! Awesome.
18. renaissance hotel ( - You know, there just aren’t enough sites out there that give you information on hotels. Where can find out more? Right here!
19. oh salad days! __ __ __ ______ version 1.0 ( - I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what the fuck this site is all about. It’s got some pictures of some zoo animals. That’s all I know. Seriously, that is all I know.
20. Donkey’s Word ( - Gee, some guy who thinks he’s funny. Just what the internet needs, another smarmy jag off. I would love to kick this dude square in the stones . . . oh wait. Never mind, this site kicks ass.

So, there you have it. 20 sites. None of them worth going back to. Shit, there wasn’t even any nudity to be seen on any of them. What the hell? Everyone told me there’s tons of porn on the internet. You figure one of these blogs would have had some. I feel like I’ve been ripped off. I’m paying Comcast like $50 a month for high speed internet, you figure they’d throw a little porn my way.

I give up. I’m never surfing blogspot again.