Slap Happy

You know who needs to be slapped? Anyone who’s ever been an audience member of “Deal or No Deal.” Seriously, has there ever been a dumber game show, let alone a dumber audience?

I like game shows. I really do. However, in my opinion, a game should require some actual skill to play. “Deal or No Deal” on the other hand, is the adult equivalent of Candy Land—only for dumber people. What’s the prerequisite for contestants? Can they identify a number between 1 and 25 (or however many cases there are up there)? That’s it. So, basically anyone ages 3 and up is eligible to play. Like I said, just like Candy Land.

So, why are the audience members dumber than the contestants? Well, first of all, they’re there voluntarily with no chance of winning any money. Second of all, the only thing they do is clap incessantly when a contestant picks a briefcase.

Howie Mandel: “I need you to pick out two briefcases.”

Contestant: “Number 5, because that’s the number of times I threw up backstage before the show started.”

Audience: [Non-stop applauding]

Contestant: “Number 3, because that’s how many functional nipples my wife has.”

Audience: [Renews their applauding]

And on. And on. And on. Until I want to break stuff.

Why are they applauding? If someone does something amazing, I’ll clap. I’m not THAT much of an asshole. But, I’m sorry, picking a number at random isn’t applause-worthy. And, clapping for that crap, is just slap-worthy.