Thursday, August 17, 2006

Do you pick your nose?


Of course you do. Everyone does. Don’t worry, I won’t tell on you. I’m cool with the fact that you do a little digging from time to time. The only time it bothers me is when I have to look at the aftermath.

See, we’ve got this dude at work, Pickasso. For some reason, he seems to think his mucus is an art form that should be displayed on the walls. Ok, maybe not the walls, but he’s putting them on the door to the stalls in the men’s room and that’s just a little too visible for me. I don’t bring reading material into the stall. I like to sit down, get started, and get out as soon as I can. So, whenever I sit down, I’m looking at his green gobs trailing down the front door.


It’s not so much nasty as it is unnecessary. The boogers have to go somewhere, true. But why there? The other day I brought a ruler into the men’s room with me. Sure, I got some weird stares, but it was for science, I explained to everyone. According to my measurements, the front door to the stall is approximately 31” away from the front of the bowl. That means you have to lean forward to touch the door. By the same token, the roll of TP is approximately 18” from the side of the bowl. Heck, you almost bump up against it when you sit. Are your boogers really so worth seeing that you’re willing to reach another foot out in front of you to display them?

I think not.

I could understand the door being the display area if he were flicking them, but he isn’t. He’s definitely wiping them. If watching CSI has taught me anything (besides how to NOT get away with murdering crack whores), it’s taught me to observe splattering with semi-solid objects. A booger that was flicked would tend to be more solid at the top than at the bottom as the booger would most likely fly from low-to-high and continue climbing up the wall after impact and leaving a slug-trail in its wake. Why do I think that? Because boogers are sticky. In order to get one to release from your finger, you have to flick it pretty hard. You want to error on the side of caution and flick harder than necessary. 31” isn’t far enough that the booger will reach the apex of its parabola and begin its descent towards the floor. No, dear readers, these boogers are not being flicked. These boogers are definitely being wiped as Pickasso is making contact with the wall and dragging his finger down. That sneaky bastard!

I have made it my life’s work to track down Pickasso and beat him senseless and then flick my boogers at him. If you have any suggestions as to how I could finger him, I’m all ears.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, the Old Girl made an uber-strong brew of coffee this morning and the brown beast is beginning to stir. It’s time to go look at more of Pickasso’s handiwork.

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