Sunday, January 27, 2008

An Open-Faced Lie

You know what's total bullshit? An open-faced sandwich, that's what. Why on earth would anyone order an open-faced sandwich? It's not even a sandwich. Look it up in the dictionary and you'll find that a sandwich is defined thusly: "Any combination of kick-ass ingredients crammed between two slices of bread into one delectable concoction of awesomeness. Not to be confused with its pile of crap, illegitimate, mongoloid step-brother, the ‘open-faced sandwich.’” At least, that’s what it would say in the Donkey Dictionary.

Seriously, who would want an open-faced sandwich? There’s no manly way to eat it. You have to pick it up by its dainty little sides and nibble at it. Screw that. I want a sandwich I can grab in my fists and cram in my mouth. Shoot, even those little tea sandwiches are more manly than the open-faced turd fest. I don’t care if it’s watercress and cream cheese in between some slices of melba toast, at least that sandwich is trying. I’ll give it an “A” for effort. Not like that lazy-ass open-faced sandwich. What a fucking underachiever. If someone brought me an open-faced sandwich, I’d send it back and tell that person I didn’t order a half-assed attempt at a sandwich. Finish what you started and put a lid on that sandwich. The Donkey has spoken.

Don’t let those open-faced sandwich serving Communists convince you differently. They’ll tell you that it’s much prettier to look at and you eat with your eyes first. Yeah, you may eat with your eyes first, if you don’t understand the concept of eating in the first place. Let me recap for those of you who are eating challenged. Eating with your mouth is good, I recommend it to all my friends. Eating with your eyes is a good way to put your eye out, I recommend it to all my enemies. If you try to tell me to eat with my eyes, I may very well punch you in yours.

What an open-faced loser. Oh, and that goes for you too, Mr. Tostada. Don’t even get me started on the tostada.

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